Mention your love of hamburgers, and some people will proselytize about Shake Shack the same way America’s Generation X enthralls itself with the seamless digital/analog convergence found in Avatar, the 3D feature film.
Shake Shack is a half block from my current workplace, but the lines are far too intimidating for me to ever venture near in temperate climes. Given my inexplicable love of cold weather and far more easily understandable Christmastime goy aversion, today, the freezing day before the day before the two thousand and tenth year anniversary of the birth of our savior (when will he finish battling the aliens and come back?), seemed like the perfect opportunity to skip the fuss and buy a slab of ground meat. Even my office, teeming as it is with dollar bill-eyed Jews from New Jersey, was relatively empty. And so, there was no line at Shake Shack.
Shake Shack in Madison Square Park
A brief survey of the menu made my order clear: one Shackburger, and a Shackmeister Ale. In exchange for $10, I received a vibrator and a receipt.
Unsanitized Shake Shack Vibrator
I gripped the vibrator tightly, and waited. About five minutes later, I felt a single prolonged buzz, then nothing. My food was ready.
Shackburger and Shackmeister Ale
Quite the presentation. The bun was extremely soft and pliant, so much so that the bread was depressed and obliging before I had even had a chance to put it in my hot and steamy mouth, anticipating, as it was, its own unavoidable absorption into my greedy Semitic stomach.
First impression: the taste of American cheese. Second bite: lots of mayonnaise…. and so it went. The meat replicated perfectly the texture and flavor of the textureless and flavorless bun. A swig of beer: market research indicates that Generation X likes hops. No discernible flavor, good or bad, beyond the uber-infused hop essence. Further reflection on hamburger: lettuce was latticed on top of the burger in clear full-leaf form, and a real slice of a real tomato was purposefully placed between. The meat looked very fatty and pale, well done.
The aesthetic and genius of Shake Shack couldn’t be clearer. Shackburger is a McDonalds burger made with upscale ingredients. That is its ironic design, get it? Shackmeister Ale is Budweiser pumped full of hops, i.e. microbrew. Compared to the eating habits of the typical office worker, this is gourmet food at its finest.
Within minutes, I had retreated back to the comfort of the office. I emailed the client and my entire team a new user flow diagram with the image of a cute girl representing their company’s typical “content editor”. This based on a conversation I had had before lunch with the client’s chief technologist about the flow, not about the girl.
User Flow
The client immediately sent a response, insisting that their content editors were not nearly as happy nor as enthusiastic as this girl, and demanded that this fact be properly accounted for in future revisions. I quipped in response that this was because they had yet to use the system I was designing, and asked him to be patient.
At Benny’s troubled request, I removed the inappropriate girl from the next revision.
Neuter Actor
Then Benny invited me to join him and Brian, the front-end developer who loved Avatar, in a three-way of Super Mario Brothers on the Wii by the jelly bean machines.
At 6, I left, encountering our Director of Emerging Technology twiddling his phone by the elevator. I asked him politely what his plans were for the holiday. He’s clearly Jewish, but kept reticent about that fact. We entered the elevator with a black man and two goyim. I explained my own modest plans: “I’m heading up to Westchester, where it’s safe for Jews on Christmas”.
No response. The doors opened. I wished him well, and exited.
I often pass by the Shake Shack when I pass by the shake shack. The line is often long, see. I’d rather wait on the line at the Parker Meridian.
But what you say is true I am sure, and honestly, I’ve never met a Jew Scot, so the comparison to McDonald’s strikes and even truer note.
On the flip side, we are hanging stockings and so that the great goy fat man can magically appear and give my young, uncircumcised son plastic guns with which to pretend to do pretend battle with the IDF.
Gimme a Peter Luger Lager with a real burger and I’ll jump down your chimney and scare the bejesus out of your uber-goy baby. It’s a good deal… most Jews would charge double that to work on Xmas.
After further reconnaissance with a double Shackburger, I agree with myself. Shake Shack occupies a nice little spot in the park. But it is by no means a great or even very good burger.
Have you tried Five Guys?
Thay make a very god burger, even if it is a chain. A very fine, surprising burger indeed.